F. Scott Fitzgerald said “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”

To which I’d add that the test of a first-rate capacity for empathy is the ability to hold two opposed positions in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to think for yourself.

Shoe-shifting, the ability to put yourself in the other guy’s shoes is a fundamental skill of extraordinary power. It’s almost as magical as shape-shifting in fantasy in sci-fi. It’s the scientific method applied to social life. We tend to assume science is, at core, about experimentation, but there’s a deeper core still, a core that experiment serves. Science is the recognition that to get what you want, you have to set aside your want long enough to see what is. Then, clearer on context, you’ll have a better chance of getting what you want.

The Buddhists capture this approach when they say, “Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.”
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The quickest test is your gut intuition: Do I like them? Do they like me?

But that’s too quick. The stakes are high. Most of us have had the crushing experience of trusting someone untrustworthy simply because there seemed to be mutual rapport. And the only experience as crushing, is not trusting someone who turns out to be trustworthy.

There’s no perfect test but you do want to make the best bets possible, so you need more than intuition.

It’s one thing to get along when compatibility is high. It’s quite another when compatibility flags and you fall into conflict. Compatibility is nice but compatibility in negotiating the incompatibilities is at least as important.

I’ve noticed that many of us–me included–have a Dr. Jekyll, Father Hyde thing going. When the going gets tough, it’s tough not to regress to the fighting style of the dominant authority figure from your childhood. In my case, my father–when I feel threatened I become my father at his most stern. Continue reading this post…

I play bass and sing in jazz combos. Unlike rock, where band members stay together for years if they can stand each other, jazz gigging is more like pickup softball games. You get a call asking if you can make some café gig and if you can, you’re often meeting fellow players for the first time while setting up for the show. Like pickup games you can learn something about where you are in the pecking order by when you’re called. If you’re called right before a gig it probably means you’re pretty far down the list.

When I was young I hated that aspect of pickup games. I wasn’t great so they’d generally pick me toward the end and reluctantly. Sometimes I wouldn’t be picked at all and would sit on the sidelines watching like the unemployed in today’s economy. Heartbreaking and heartless, but such is life.

Then there was the dating world, where you could also be sidelined. The jazz scene reminds me a little of that. I can see myself sublimating, Freud’s term for channeling your sexual energy into your work. Getting called by a superior musician can feel as exciting as getting a “yes” from the girl of my dreams back in high school. It’s usually frumpy middle-aged guy with great chops, and yet it can make me that giddy.

Still, on the jazz scene, when they don’t call me, I don’t find it heartbreaking. That’s because I’ve got job security. Not because I get picked a lot but because I’ve got only a little time for music as it is, and both gigging and staying at home to practice are job one. When I’m picked for a good gig, I’m delighted, and when I’m not picked and am thereby afforded time at home to woodshed and get better I’m also delighted. Either way, I’m making progress and getting to savor my lifelong love affair with the Terpsichorean muse.
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Which is healthier:
To be receptive or assertive?
To be flexible or firm?
To be unsure or sure?

Not obvious? We have other words for these traits so let’s try a few more.

Which is healthier:

To be easy-going or pushy?
To be accommodating or pigheaded?
To be generous or stubborn?

Now it’s clear isn’t it? It’s better to be the former than the latter.

Just to be sure, try these too. Which is healthier:

To be wishy-washy or confident?
To cave in or stand your ground?
To falter or have faith?

OK, not so clear after all, because now the latter look better than the former.

These pairings all represent aspects of a key dimension in our lives. Think of this dimension as a slider control between yin and yang. Yin is receptivity, openness, flexibility. Yang is decisiveness, assertiveness, firmness. Deciding when to be yin and when to be yang is a consuming human question. Our slider positions determine the battles we pick in the give and take of life.

We have our hands on that slider control pretty much all of the time. Mostly we managed it pretty efficiently and successfully. But sometimes, when the choice of whether to fight or surrender becomes difficult, our knuckles go white from our tight anxious grip.

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I hate feeling used; I love feeling useful.

Really, what’s the difference? In both cases I help someone. But one feels awful and the other feels great.

An intuitive answer is that you feel used when you’re not compensated and you feel useful when it’s a fair exchange. There’s something to this but it doesn’t jibe with the high value we put on being generous and giving selflessly. If “tis better to give than receive,” why would you feel used when you do just that?

Another intuitive answer is that you feel used when you give involuntarily and useful when you give voluntarily. There’s something to this also but the line between involuntary and voluntary is often not easy to draw. Yes, if forced at gunpoint you give what you are absolutely sure you don’t want to give, you are likely to feel used and not useful. Still, there are a lot of cases in the gray area between voluntary and involuntary. If you invest money in a venture based on an accurate but charismatic sales pitch about the venture’s prospects is that voluntary or involuntary? If it tanks, and you feel used, is that because you gave against your will? Would you still feel used if it succeeds gloriously?

“Synantonyms” is a term I’ve had to coin for paired terms like “feeling used” and “feeling useful.” They’re synonyms in that they describe more or less the same activity-in this case giving to someone. They’re antonyms in that they suggest opposite value-very bad and very good. Being useful has very positive connotations. Being used has very negative connotations. And yet other than the pro/con distinction, I can’t find a clear objective way to differentiate them.

Synantonyms seem to swarm to and cluster around life’s tough judgment calls the way that antibodies swarm and cluster around open wounds. There are other synantonyms that swarm to address the tough judgment call of whether to give to someone. Positive terms include being of service, serving, contributing, being selfless, donating, helping, aiding, and being generous. Negative terms include being exploited, manipulated, duped, conned, ripped off, taken advantage of, robbed.

Basically, I’d say the difference is in outcomes. If my investment pays off I’ll feel useful. If my investment doesn’t pay off I’ll feel used. That doesn’t help me decide today what to invest in. But then that’s the nature of investment. Buy low sell high. Invest today in what paid off tomorrow. Since tomorrow isn’t here yet you have to make your best educated guess. Let the buyer beware. This outcome distinction doesn’t make it clear who is to blame when you feel used.

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